Ok, wow. I just got back from a VERY short first meet/date with a dude I met on match.com. WHAT A DICK. Beforehand, he was asking me about what I’m wearing, talking about how he likes to dress sexy and that he “wants his woman to do the same” (I replied that we shall soon see if our ideas of sexy match up–and yes I found his comment VERY annoying). For the record, he did not dress sexy at all. Bro-shorts and a plaid button-down shirt? No.
We met at Dunkin Donuts (a coffee and donuts chain) and start with the small talk. He had shifty eyes, and didn’t really look as if he cared what I said at all.
At one point, he says “wow, you have big tits! Good for making babies.”
To which I replied, “yeah, well…also, I don’t really want kids, so.”
“Oh really? That is a problem. I want one. I’m 35, getting old.”
He asks me the standard questions about why I don’t want kids, and I give him the standard responses.
At the end of the date, less than 20 minutes after it started, and less than 10 after that exchange, he comes out blazing blunt: “I’m not interested, sorry. I’m gonna go.”
I’m all smiles. “Okay!”
And he jumps out of his chair and bails.
My thoughts? Simultaneously “THANK GOD!” and “HOW RUDE!”
Right now, even though I continue to be a bit miffed at the rudeness, I think the whole thing is a bit hilarious, and I’m glad I dodged that bullet.
This has been a very hard post to write. In fact this is probably the 5th time in less than a month I’ve sat here and tried to write it. The first time, I was just finishing closing my eharmony account. Eharmony has a really nice filtering system, but the problem with it was that the people on eharmony were the types who want conventionally “perfect” mates: thin and athletic, outgoing and normal. None of which apply to me. I was not finding ANYONE who approved of me enough to chat with, much less meet. I stuck around for 3 weeks, and then quit.
Now I am on match.com, as well as maintaining my free okcupid account that I’ve had for 2 years now (because why not?). Things are much better than on eharmony, since I’ve met three men so far. The two before the one I met tonight were both good prospects, but unfortunately, even though I liked them both, I kept feeling like something was missing, that a relationship with either just didn’t seem likely.
Which fucking pisses me off, because damn it, I’m sick of this shit, yanno?
My disappointment with okcupid and eharmony and these past few weeks on match.com got me thinking introspectively about dating, and wondering why after 2 years I can’t seem to get anything good going. Thoughts like; was I being too picky? Were my match logarithms screwy? Was I perhaps doing things wrong, since I’m not good at normal dating things like flirting, for example? Or was my luck really that bad?
And the answer is probably both complicated and simple. Simple in that yes, my luck really is that bad. Simple in that it is in fact both me as well as them. But what it REALLY comes down to is that I’ve not yet met anyone that I was “into” or anyone who was also “into” me. Simple enough, but the reasons for that are many and not so simple.
I have been single now for over two years, used 3 different dating sites, and have seen 17 men. All of which, obviously, went nowhere. Only three went for a second date, and only one went for a third. Which of course would lead one inclined to introspection, such as myself, to wonder what I am doing wrong. Yes I know it is not entirely me–I have been rejected, just as I have rejected–yet I cannot help but look for patterns of behavior that may be sabotaging my own efforts to get into a relationship. I may have realized something, but I don’t know how to change it.
But I don’t want to get into that quite yet.
So why am I still single? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been going in and out of the dating pool since the ex and I split, and while it hasn’t been all bad (I have had plenty of nice dates), its been on the whole, unsatisfying. As I’ve said, I’ve had my share of rejections, but I’ve rejected more men than men have rejected me. Which makes me think that I’m missing something, or am doing something wrong, that I’m being too picky, etc. but the thing is, I don’t feel like I’m being too picky. I’m not rejecting men on the basis of some arbitrary checklist, but because something is missing or doesn’t feel right. Most rejections were unique, though there were some guys who made the same mistakes. Two
dudes just stared at me while I struggled to make conversation, and just made me feel terribly uncomfortable–boy, did I ditch those dates as fast as I could, hating having to do so, but relieved to be doing it. There were another couple dudes who were self-absorbed, like the one who, after talking about himself and his hobbies for 40 minutes asked “Do you have any questions for me?”–DUDE, its not a job interview and instead of asking whether I have questions for you, why don’t you try asking ME some questions? (There were several guys who took this approach online–they never got a date.) One was a “mansplainer” going off on some book he had read, explaining it to me, not seeming to have heard or cared when I told him I had already read it. One had the effrontery to grab my boob without my permission. That is one rejection I feel no guilt for.
But the vast majority of my rejections were simply because I just wasn’t that into him. Most of the time the feeling–or lack thereof–was mutual, but sometimes it wasn’t. I hate those more than anything else, because then I have to come up with a way to let someone down easy, to give a gentle and honest reason why it just isn’t going to happen. I try to be as honest as I can be, but a lot of the time I just don’t know why, not until after all is said and done.
I don’t think that knowing what I need in a relationship makes me picky. Neither does having turn-ons or turn-offs. I’m open to all kinds of variation within those characteristics as well as without. I don’t even think my list is all that extensive. Honestly, are these too much to ask?
- What I need: I’m looking for Communication, Chemistry, Compatibility. Someone playful and fun to be with, different enough to be exciting, similar enough to trust. Just someone who feels right.
- Turn-offs: Right of center, smoker, narcissistic, abusive, religiously devout, indigent, or stupid.
- Turn-ons: Someone who has a boyish, playful outlook on life. Someone who likes to explore and have fun, but isn’t a “thrill-seeker.” An intelligent guy who has a lot of interests in different things; a polymath. Kinda geeky without being a total geek. Kinda active without being a total jock. Someone who finds meaning in being creative, however he expresses that.
In every single one of my 17 dates, what I’ve lacked is chemistry and/or communication. I may have been compatible with some of them, but with out one or both of the other C’s, it just isn’t going to work. And without that boyish spark I am attracted to–a characteristic that I need to see fairly quickly–I’m just not going to feel any chemistry. And I’m done. The same goes for communication. If our conversational styles are off, or if it seems that understanding via lipreading is much too difficult, or if he seems completely uninterested in considering learning sign language, then I am done.
I don’t think I’m being too picky; I’m being practical and honest with myself.
If I am doing anything wrong, it is in meeting the wrong men. I’m wasting my time and theirs. Right now I am not sure how to go about finding or meeting the men I want, since what I’ve got isn’t working. I’m afraid that if I want to meet boyish, playful men who are intelligent and well-spoken, I’m not going to find him online. The only other way I know of to meet people is in BARS, and I HATE the nightlife scene. Feels like a meat market. I can’t dance (well), and those joints are so bloody NOISY I can’t even begin to understand anyone’s jabbering. I don’t even know how to flirt, for chrissake. No one has ever approached me in the times I have gone, usually with friends. I feel INSECURE. I don’t trust the people who go trolling for dates in bars.
And that’s what I don’t know what to do about: So far, I’ve been unattracted to the men I feel I can trust, but don’t have the courage to trust the men I am attracted to.
And that’s a pretty big, and frustrating, deal.