Category Archives: dating

Why I am still single.

Ok, wow.  I just got back from a VERY short first meet/date with a dude I met on match.com.  WHAT A DICK.  Beforehand, he was asking me about what I’m wearing, talking about how he likes to dress sexy and that he “wants his woman to do the same” (I replied that we shall soon see if our ideas of sexy match up–and yes I found his comment VERY annoying). For the record, he did not dress sexy at all. Bro-shorts and a plaid button-down shirt? No.

We met at Dunkin Donuts (a coffee and donuts chain) and start with the small talk. He had shifty eyes, and didn’t really look as if he cared what I said at all.

At one point, he says “wow, you have big tits!  Good for making babies.”

To which I replied, “yeah, well…also, I don’t really want kids, so.”

“Oh really?  That is a problem. I want one. I’m 35, getting old.”

He asks me the standard questions about why I don’t want kids, and I give him the standard responses.

At the end of the date, less than 20 minutes after it started, and less than 10 after that exchange, he comes out blazing blunt: “I’m not interested, sorry. I’m gonna go.”

I’m all smiles. “Okay!”

And he jumps out of his chair and bails.

My thoughts?  Simultaneously “THANK GOD!” and “HOW RUDE!”

Right now, even though I continue to be a bit miffed at the rudeness, I think the whole thing is a bit hilarious, and I’m glad I dodged that bullet.

***

This has been a very hard post to write.  In fact this is probably the 5th time in less than a month I’ve sat here and tried to write it. The first time, I was just finishing closing my eharmony account.  Eharmony has a really nice filtering system, but the problem with it was that the people on eharmony were the types who want conventionally “perfect” mates: thin and athletic, outgoing and normal.  None of which apply to me.  I was not finding ANYONE who approved of me enough to chat with, much less meet.  I stuck around for 3 weeks, and then quit.

Now I am on match.com, as well as maintaining my free okcupid account that I’ve had for 2 years now (because why not?).  Things are much better than on eharmony, since I’ve met three men so far.  The two before the one I met tonight were both good prospects, but unfortunately, even though I liked them both, I kept feeling like something was missing, that a relationship with either just didn’t seem likely.

Which fucking pisses me off, because damn it, I’m sick of this shit, yanno?

My disappointment with okcupid and eharmony and these past few weeks on match.com got me thinking introspectively about dating, and wondering why after 2 years I can’t seem to get anything good going. Thoughts like; was I being too picky?  Were my match logarithms screwy?  Was I perhaps doing things wrong, since I’m not good at normal dating things like flirting, for example?  Or was my luck really that bad?

And the answer is probably both complicated and simple.  Simple in that yes, my luck really is that bad.  Simple in that it is in fact both me as well as them.  But what it REALLY comes down to is that I’ve not yet met anyone that I was “into” or anyone who was also “into” me.  Simple enough, but the reasons for that are many and not so simple.

I have been single now for over two years,  used 3 different dating sites, and have seen 17 men.  All of which, obviously, went nowhere. Only three went for a second date, and only one went for a third.  Which of course would lead one inclined to introspection, such as myself, to wonder what I am doing wrong.  Yes I know it is not entirely me–I have been rejected, just as I have rejected–yet I cannot help but look for patterns of behavior that may be sabotaging my own efforts to get into a relationship.  I may have realized something, but I don’t know how to change it.

But I don’t want to get into that quite yet.

So why am I still single?  I honestly don’t know.  I’ve been going in and out of the dating pool since the ex and I split, and while it hasn’t been all bad (I have had plenty of nice dates), its been on the whole, unsatisfying.  As I’ve said, I’ve had my share of rejections, but I’ve rejected more men than men have rejected me.  Which makes me think that I’m missing something, or am doing something wrong,  that I’m being too picky, etc. but the thing is,  I don’t feel like I’m being too picky.  I’m not rejecting men on the basis of some arbitrary checklist, but because something is missing or doesn’t feel right.  Most rejections were unique, though there were some guys who made the same mistakes.  Two dudes just stared at me while I struggled to make conversation, and just made me feel terribly uncomfortable–boy, did I ditch those dates as fast as I could, hating having to do so, but relieved to be doing it.  There were another couple dudes who were self-absorbed, like the one who, after talking about himself and his hobbies for 40 minutes asked “Do you have any questions for me?”–DUDE, its not a job interview and instead of asking whether I have questions for you, why don’t you try asking ME some questions? (There were several guys who took this approach online–they never got a date.)  One was a “mansplainer” going off on some book he had read, explaining it to me, not seeming to have heard or cared when I told him I had already read it.  One had the effrontery to grab my boob without my permission. That is one rejection I feel no guilt for.

But the vast majority of my rejections were simply because I just wasn’t that into him.  Most of the time the feeling–or lack thereof–was mutual, but sometimes it wasn’t. I hate those more than anything else, because then I have to come up with a way to let someone down easy, to give a gentle and honest reason why it just isn’t going to happen. I try to be as honest as I can be, but a lot of the time I just don’t know why, not until after all is said and done.

I don’t think that knowing what I need in a relationship makes me picky. Neither does having turn-ons or turn-offs. I’m open to all kinds of variation within those characteristics as well as without. I don’t even think my list is all that extensive. Honestly, are these too much to ask?

  1. What I need: I’m looking for Communication, Chemistry, Compatibility. Someone playful and fun to be with, different enough to be exciting, similar enough to trust. Just someone who feels right.
  2. Turn-offs: Right of center, smoker, narcissistic, abusive, religiously devout, indigent, or stupid.
  3. Turn-ons: Someone who has a boyish, playful outlook on life.  Someone who likes to explore and have fun, but isn’t a “thrill-seeker.”  An intelligent guy who has a lot of interests in different things; a polymath.  Kinda geeky without being a total geek. Kinda active without being a total jock.  Someone who finds meaning in being creative, however he expresses that.

In every single one of my 17 dates, what I’ve lacked is chemistry and/or communication.  I may have been compatible with some of them, but with out one or both of the other C’s, it just isn’t going to work.  And without that boyish spark I am attracted to–a characteristic that I need to see fairly quickly–I’m just not going to feel any chemistry. And I’m done.  The same goes for communication.  If our conversational styles are off, or if it seems that understanding via lipreading is much too difficult, or if he seems completely uninterested in considering learning sign language, then I am done.

I don’t think I’m being too picky; I’m being practical and honest with myself.
If I am doing anything wrong, it is in meeting the wrong men.  I’m wasting my time and theirs.  Right now I am not sure how to go about finding or meeting the men I want, since what I’ve got isn’t working.  I’m afraid that if I want to meet boyish, playful men who are intelligent and well-spoken, I’m not going to find him online.  The only other way I know of to meet people is in BARS, and I HATE the nightlife scene. Feels like a meat market. I can’t dance (well), and those joints are so bloody NOISY I can’t even begin to understand anyone’s jabbering.  I don’t even know how to flirt, for chrissake. No one has ever approached me in the times I have gone, usually with friends.  I feel INSECURE. I don’t trust the people who go trolling for dates in bars.

And that’s what I don’t know what to do about:  So far, I’ve been unattracted to the men I feel I can trust, but don’t have the courage to trust the men I am attracted to.

And that’s a pretty big, and frustrating, deal.

Eye-Candy Time

It all started when I exclaimed to my sister about just how DELICIOUS Josh Holloway looked as “The Black Rider” on Community last week, and how shocked I was because I found him repulsive as Sawyer on Lost.  I was explaining that I found Sawyer, as a character annoying and trite, and that turned me off on the actor’s obvious beauty.  But as “The Black Rider” he was sultry and mischeivous, not annoyingly petulant. As a result, he looks absolutely awesome to me.

Then somehow our conversation devolved into me finding pictures of other celebrities I find yummy, and posting them to my sister. It quickly became apparent that they ALL LOOK THE SAME.
Exhibit A: JOSH HOLLOWAY:

Exhibit B: EWAN MCGREGOR

Exhibit C: ADEWALE AKINNUOYE AGBAJE

Exhibit D: JOEL MCHALE

Exhibit E: COLIN FARRELL

Exhibit F:  HUGH JACKMAN

Exhibit G:  IAN SOMERHALDER

I seem to have a thing for dark, rugged, fuzzy faced men with full lips, a big chin, and a intense gaze. Oh, and former Lost stars.  What the heck is up with that?  Well, at least I am consistent.

Pool Side Musings or Garcon, Another Margarita, Please!

So I’m taking a break from dating for a few weeks, or a couple months. Dating is exhausting.

This is not to say that I dislike dating, for that isn’t the case at all. For the most part, with a couple of exceptions, I have enjoyed the dates I have had, and the men I have met have all been nice people that I am glad to have met. Even the “bad dates.”

The thing is, I do not date for the sake of dating (though some might argue that I should); I date because I want to meet the man with whom I can have a lasting relationship with–as a friend, lover, partner, and spouse. I know I probably shouldn’t expect too much, and I have told myself that many times, but if I didn’t expect that, then what would I be dating for?

The fact is, I do have expectations, and when those expectations aren’t met, I get disappointed. Too much disappointment is a heavy load to bear.

Its like I told a friend on facebook the other day, in a conversation about “having to wade through the shit to find the gold” and I replied that swimming is tiring, and now its time to lounge on the barcolounger with a margarita and watch the kiddies play in the wading pool (which in the thread was an oblique reference to sports bars).

I have no intention of actually getting into the bar scene–I am not convinced it is a good way for anyone to meet a future spouse–especially not for a person like me. I also think that the next round of dating will have to be through a paid site, and not through a free site like okcupid, where I have been. I’m not sure that my chances at meeting the right person would be improved on a different format, but I was using okcupid off and on for two years, and it didn’t work for me, so its time to move on to something else.

But not quite just yet. In a few weeks or so. I need to regain my sense of integrity first.

A DELIGHTFUL Chat Last Night. Also, Teal Post.

Okay, so I was on OKCupid last night, cleaning up my message box and stuff, when this guy, who shall henceforth be called DudeBro, pinged me and asked to meet this week. Well, I have plans this week, and I told him it wasnt a good time, that maybe after the holidays would be better and he gets all huffy, and says “if we cant make a date, than its not worth trying.” (this was the third such attempt on both our parts–we had both been busy). And I’m like, “ok, then, sure.”  Then a short few minutes later he replies “You never intended to go out with me anyway, did you?”

So here I’m feeling a little ambushed, and thinking, yanno asshole, I don’t owe you anything, and furthermore, if this is how you act over THIS, then I’m glad we aint ever gonna meet.   So I tell him “Actually, yes I would have met with you, since I enjoy meeting people, but I also suspected that we might also not be a good match.”

And the following conversation-cum-argument ensues:

DudeBro:
it was nice [chatting with] you
And, if by chance, you have any suggestions as to how I can improve my profile, or myself to be more appealing
I’d love the help

Rachel:
🙂 ok
I actually dont think theres anything wrong with you profile–its good, IMHO. I gave you four stars, after all.

I’d love to know why I suck so bad , tho

hey just cuz things dont work doenst mean you suck

Last night one of my friends made out with me in front of the entire grad student bar, then went home to fuck some other dude.
and everyone noticed
she did this, because nobody thinks of me as the guy to go home with
they think of me as the lame friend who takes care of them and is nice
she didn’t mean to humiliate me
this is my life
one of my best friends back home
a friend who was my roomie like a decade ago

hmmm. [Translation: oh jesus christ]

always came to me with my problems, married (and divorced) one of my best friends back home
that dude, last time I saw him, he was making jokes about how my, at the time, girlfriend, who was all like, pushing to get married, would probably go home with another dude
So, the bottom line is, I’ve done a lot of stuff right
I’m getting a PhD at Yale, I’ve published twice in the top conference in my field
a place where professors are dying to get a single publication in
I’m on the regular list of reviewers for the top science journals in robotics
and now I’m so depressed that this is my life that I can’t even go on to finish my PhD or bring myself to wake up in the morning
and just a few minutes ago, a girl I said hi to on this site too like, a full 30 mins describing to me why she thought I was a loser, when I’d basically only said hi and said “oh, you’re not going to say hi back, oh well”
so, obviously I’ve done something very wrong
if even my friends think it’s okay to just treat me like a loser
and don’t understand when I don’t want to spend time with them
or why I’d rather be at home alone than go to the bar and deal with more people telling me how awful I am, and isn’t it cute that I’m the dumbass that gets drug along with all of the worthwhile people.
Anyway, thanks for being nice about the whole matter, and sorry for being a bit shocking

[Thinking it might be a good time to extricate myself from this conversation] well I dont know anything about you or why you have the issues you have and i definitely cant fix them for you or even begin to tell you what youre doing wrong. Seriously I hope things get better for you. Also, plese dont ever fall for the “nice guy bullshit” ok? that shit pisses me off.

I’m quite aware of the nice guy “bullshit”; it’s totally true [GAH! shit, here we go.]
What about me appealed to you

your intelligence and your gusto for what you do.  that youre not a shut in
how I knew it wouldnt go far—you travel too much and are a Christian. I cant see myself in a serious relationship with either a Christian or a Muslim  I will hang out with and be friends with religious folks. but I grew up in evangelical communities and frankly those people turned me off on LTRs with the religious folk

Perhaps I shouldn’t list my religion, I’m not like, a door knocking asshole

no, its important thing to list. and there are plenty of christian women who want to date christian men
and ONLY christian men

Not really
winning for an occasion is important
this.. what I have, it sucks
I’m not looking for a frigid bitch who doesn’t put out [nice, way to show your misogynism and what you REALLY want]
and I’m not interested in an evangelical psycho either
most christian women aren’t nutters like that

no they arent! lol thats why you shouldn’t hide your religion

k  I’d appreciate something more helpful than this “there’s someone for everyone” stuff
I want to win for a change

dating isnt a competion

There are guys who get to go to the bar
and they go home wioth a girl
and fuck her
and me
I get the girls who are done with that
they’re like “I had crazy group sex all through my 20s”
now I want a guy who can pay for my fucking obnoxious kids and take care of me

[all you want is to get in some girl’s panties? really? and whats wrong with the “girls who are done with that?”] girls are not “goals” to be “won” and if thats how you approach it, ladies will pick up on that and the decent ones will see that as a sign of disrespect and you’ll be shut out, *snap* like that

that’s irrelevant [fuck you asshole, how dare you ask for my opinion and then tell me its irrelevant?]

also, stop thinking you’ll find some chick at a bar barflies suck

I never said I treated women like that
I said that I’m tired of losing the game of life

no, you said you want to “win”

doesn’t matter, the girls who win don’t like me either
I do want to win
I have guy friends who get to do that shit
I just want a few months of my life where I get to do that shit
and women are all over them, and they DO treat women like shit
or, not really
They just don’t treat them all serious and committed
and the women eat it up

right you think its a competion–your comparing youself to what sounds liek DOUCHBAGS

they EAT UP that all of the other girls want them
I’d rather be a douchebag than be me [oh REALLY?!]
Like I said, you never took the prospect of me seriously, I want to be a guy who women take seriosuly

well if thats the way you think, then I wish you luck, but I cant and wont help you

why not?
maybe I don’t want to “dominate” women, I just want to be a guy that women like
to not look back on my life when I’m old and be like “well, I was a sucker, and women treated me like that, and I lived my loser life and now I’m in my shitty dirt-hole
it doesn’t seem like an undreasonable goal

your perspective on dating, life, guys and girls, all that stuff—its both disrespectful to yourself and women, adn I wont have a part in it

I’m not disrespectful
how am I disrespectful?
There’s a difference between saying “man, I’d rather be like that guy” and being disrespectful
I’m just saying that I want to be the fun, cool guy for a change

you honestly think that ranting aout how all girls want is douchbags, and youd rather be a douchbag so you can get some ass–er, a RELATIONSHIP–and getting mad when the girls you try to win over arent buying it or repsonding to you because youre playing by all the rules or waterever–thts not being disrespectful?  girls dont owe you or anyone sex or relationships

you’re putting a lot of words into my mouth
I said I’d like to be the guy who gets it
not that anybody owes me
and that some guys get it
and I don’t
and I’d like to know how to be different
I didn’t say anything of the nature of that I’m a creep who does a bunch of weird shit to get girls
or that women owe me sex
you said that
or rather, that I said it
I asked how I could be a more interesting guy
how I could be a guy who you WOULD like
what separates me from that guy

and the fact that you dont understand how what you say can be taken in the way I interpret it–as disrespectful and counterintuitive–really should make you think.

no, I do, but I think that you’re just in this mode of having bought into the idea that if a guy wants to do better with women, then he must be a creep that he wants to do better with women because he doesnt’ deserve to do well with women that what separates the cool guys from the losers is evolutionary
and that trying to buck that is wrong

No, I think that when you say you want to be a douchbag instead of a”loser” like you think you are, just so you can get sex and a realionship as a bonus–THAT makes you look and sound like a creep.
dating is not a game
sex is not a game
GIRLS are not a game

there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the guy who gets the girl
and if I’m unhappy with myself, wanting to change is okay too

nor are they and nor shall they EVER be treated as one.

you’re putting words into my mouth
listen, you AGREE that some guys are better with women than others, right?

youre stiulll not getting my point, and maybe im not making it well, but the fact is–I think your way of thinking of the whole thing is your problem

I don’t think so
I think that you’re not listening to what I’m saying

and with that., good night. and good luck.[translation: fuck you again, you asked for my opinion and you completely dismiss what I try to tell you? You’re way too stuck in the bullshit “I’m a victim” to even be receptive to another point of view.] 

And here is where I sign off from the website.  What follows is everything he posted to my message box after I left. Everything in red is my pissy mental retort.

that you WANT it to be something else, something that you saw on tv or something
k, bye
Sorry that conversation went so poorly, because I really would value your input, and I think that if we could get on the same page that you’d actually be quite helpful [No, you want me to be on your page, and that wont work, because your page is WRONG]
but I also think that your life experiences tell a very different story from mine [yeah, I dont surround myself with douchebag “friends” or think I should be like them; I dont surround myself with girls (or guys as the case would be) that have no reciprocating interest in me; and I dont resent other people when I feel rejected.]
See, I’ve always been very nice, very loyal to my friends, a hard worker I GENUINELY care about other people, and their problems
But, I can’t help but notice that the treatment that I receive, the output, what I get out of my life, isn’t very good  now, you might think that wanting what those other guys get is douchey
but I don’t. I think that it’s natural
there’s nothing wrong with wanting people to like you and respect you,
and to get the things that make them happy
this doesn’t mean objectifying women,
but last night, my FRIEND, someone who still considers herself someone that I’d confide in, humliated me at the bar and didn’t even THINK about it
it was just the natural order to her
and when I go home for christmas, the people back home will think the same of me
you don’t have to objectify women, or consider them points in a game to want better for yourself than that and when I turn down my friends invites to parties and stuff, they really don’t get it,
and they don’t get why I don’t have fun when I’m there but think about it, my BEST relationships, the ones that are the POSITIVE ones in my life are ones where people think I’m that crappy
and I’ve done a lot with myself
Surely you wouldn’t think I’m a douche JUST for the fact that I want people like me, respect me, and women sleep with me
but WANTING those things, makes me a douche in your opinion [yeah, actually–you’ve basically spent the better part of 90 minutes begging to get laid by anyone, and for decent girls to pay attention to you. yeah, you’re acting like a douche.]
anyway, that’s all I had to say, maybe you’ll see it my way and choose to help me.

Um, yeah. No. I wont have anything to do with a misogynistic 30-year old child with a NiceGuy(TM) complex–I wont ever see it his way and I wont ever help any dudebro be a douchebag just so he can get some ass.  And I wont ever accept some dudebro asking me for my opinion on something and then completely dismissing everything I say in favor of his own vastly superior male point of view. I got two links for those “Nice Guys.”  One, youre actually not that nice at all, and Two, you’re being treated like a loser because you’re acting like one.  You want a relationship with a woman? Ditch the people in your life that make you feel like shit. Dont take rejection personally.  Ditch the Nice Guy issues and be a GOOD GUY.  Develop the Triumverate of Attraction:

  • a) good communication skills; if you’re interested in a woman, let her know. do not be shy, or ambigous. Speak–verbally and non-verbally–with clarity and intent.
  • b) be respectful; understand and respect that people have thoughts and motivations that you will never know; and don’t expect anything from anyone; and don’t take shit personally.
  • c) have a good personality: be confident. be funny. be relaxed. have fun. Be interested IN HER, and what she has to say,  and SHOW her what makes you interesting.

And for gods sake, don’t ever think of dating, sex, relationships, or OTHER HUMAN BEINGS as just a game. Nothing is a game–life is not a competition, and success is not measured by the notches on your belt.  And if trying to live a life like that makes you unhappy, then just stop . Really. STOP.

 

Around-the-world-back-snap.

So, yesterday morning I wake up to the following email from okcupid.com–an incoming message from another member:

Greetings, please forgive me for being so forward but

“Oh god,” I think, my creep-alarm blaring. “What’s this one going to be like?” Like a lot of girls, I get quite a few emails of the perverted or asshole type. They are always annoying, usually lame, and sometimes amusing.

I have a birthday coming up in a few days and I was thinking it might be fun to receive an old fashioned, over the knee birthday spanking from someone.

Oh god, gross. I’m officially creeped the fuck out.

I wasn’t sure where to start looking,

Try craigslist, moron. Or adultfriendfinder. Or rent a hooker.

or how to go about asking someone

Uh, not like this. Would you walk up to some random woman on the street and ask her this? It is no more acceptable to do it on a standard dating site like this. Use the proper channels! See above.

Furthermore, did you even read my profile? Do I even sound like a woman who appreciates booty calls? My profile even says “no casual sex”. I am STRINGS ATTACHED ONLY. Are you really that stupid? Do I look like a woman who would date stupid men? Much less give one the time of day? Seriously?

so I thought I would just be honest and straight forward about it. Please let me know whether or not you might be interested in doing so.

Being polite doesn’t make you any less of a rude, creepy asshole.

Sincerely,
gasolite

Creeps don’t deserve anonymity. Therefore, you and your creepy email are on my blog.

This public post is all the reply you are getting.

STFU and GTFO.

The Date

There appears to be a general consensus amongst you that I need to blog about that date. I am nothing if not my readers’ humble servant.

Okay, so;

I had met the dude, hereafter to be refered to as Dude, last summer at a Deaf social gathering. He’s pretty good-looking, in a clean-shaven, laid-back, blond-ish, blue-eyed, big-shoulders, wide white smile, boy-next-door way. Definitely my type, physically. And yes, totally Deaf. We chatted for a little, but he was more taken by my lesbian friend (who is pretty hot). I don’t think he really understood what that meant until my friend had a serious talk with him some weeks later. Dude sorta disappeared from the radar after that.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, where we met again at a mutual friend’s (not the lesbian friend, a different friend) birthday party. We pretty much ended up hanging around each other the whole time. We traded numbers, and a few days later he asked me out for dinner and movie on Feburary 14th. I wasn’t interested in going anywhere on Feburary 14th, so I suggested we instead have our date the following weekend.

On the appointed day, I shaved my legs, dabbed on a little purfume, caked my face in make-up (neutral pink gloss and a brown smokey eye), and wore purple and grey leopard-print cardigan with dark wash jeans and black patent-leather wingtip mary janes (its a shoe).

I drove to the next town over and met Dude at Applebee’s. He had to show me his rental, since his car had been totaled by a truck backing into him after the snowstorm a day earlier. It was a 2010 Ford Mustang hardtop. He was exicited about it.

I ordered a frozen wildberry margarita. He had a bowl of pasta and a beer. I didn’t order any food because of my gluten allergy. His pasta looked really good. We chatted a bit about our hobbies (he works two jobs, likes to hang out with friends everyday, I’m a homebody who writes and reads), sports (he’s a big fan of them all, I couldn’t care less about any of them) fishing, (he loves it, I don’t), travel (we both want to, he’s already been to Paris, and he showed me a few French signs), we briefly touched on past relationships and what our goals for life are (he wants a home and family asap, I want a creative career).

By the time the check came, I knew we weren’t a match. I offered to pay for my drink: he declined.

We went from Applebee’s to Loews Cinema to watch Avatar 3D. He tried to convince the ticketmaster to give us a discount on the tickets on account of us being deaf as posts and there being no assisstive captions included in the film, but they said no. I told Dude oh well, let’s just go watch it anyway and I paid for the tickets. Even without dialouge, it was worth it, since the visuals were SICK.

We both liked the movie. Afterwards, we walked back to our cars, gave each other hugs and ‘keep in touch’es, and went home.

We haven’t been keeping in touch. We don’t have much in common and we are at different places in life. Even if Dude really is nice to look at.

There, now aren’t y’all glad I told you?

Valentine’s Day has a whole ‘nother meaning.

One year ago today, I packed up everything I owned and left the home Brian and I had too quickly built. I finally tired of his lies, his passive cruelties, his tepid indifference, his weakness. I should have left sooner, but it had taken a long time to let go of the memories of the man he once was and to let myself hate the man he became.

Today, I live alone in a small, cheap apartment of three rooms with an elderly cat that still surprises me everyday that she lives. There are times when I feel unspeakably lonely and incredibly bored. In those times, I miss being in love. But most of the time, I like being free of expectations and obligations. I like having my time be really MY TIME, to do with as I will. To cook, write, paint, draw, watch tv shows that interest ME, or to read books in 3-hour long soaks in my pink bathtub. I like not being obligated to go to family gatherings with people I do not like.

I like being single, most of the time. Most of the time, I think I’d really rather not even bother with thoughts of dating and men and flirting and white veils and white picket fences. But sometimes, those thoughts happen.

Today is not one of those days. Today I cooked. Today I spent time with a black ball of fur and bones purring in my lap. I watched chick flicks on tv. I took a book into the bath tub and I ate a piece of chocolate. I wrote a few blog posts. I don’t miss being in love today. Today, I remember what I left–and in looking back, have absolutely no regrets. And in looking forward, I am in no rush for anything more.

One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish…

After my last post, I got to thinking about what I did not like in men and dating. And the list is long, my friends. Long enough to make me think I’m a mite picky.

Turn-offs

I don’t like:

  • Being chased
  • Being evaluated/judged/criticized
  • Being oggled
  • Being condesended to/patronized
  • Being talked at
  • Being hovered over

Types:

  • Jocks
  • “bad boys”
  • Pickup artists/playas (and the wanna-bes and flunkies)

Personality characteristics:

  • Aggressiveness
  • Narcissism
  • Cockiness
  • Ignorance
  • Stupidity
  • Materialism
  • Right-wingery
  • Evangelism
  • Lying
  • Judgmental

Appearance:

  • shaven bald head
  • excessive and unruly facial hair
  • sloppy, unkempt clothes and hair
  • musclebound/bodybuilding

What do you think? Am I being too picky? Well, even if I am, I don’t think I care that much. I mean, I’d rather being single and celibate than be involved with an inappropriate man. I’ll hold out for someone I can honestly appreciate and like as well as love.

I know what I don’t like, and I also know what I do like, and that list is just as long as, if not longer than, my turn-offs. So, perhaps there’s hope yet inside that ocean of fish–if it hasn’t been over-harvested, that is! Lord knows the good ones get snatched up quickly!

Turn-ons

Types:

  • Nerds/dorks
  • artists
  • class clowns
  • average joes
  • metros

Personality characteristics:

  • educated
  • bibliophile
  • creative/crafty/handy
  • conversationalist
  • friendly
  • respectful
  • compassionate
  • emotionally and mentally stable
  • honorable
  • polite
  • politically and socially Liberal
  • spiritually unconventional and religiously skeptical.

Appearance:

  • Good smile/teeth (I’m a lipreader. I stare at mouths all day. This is important)
  • Well-groomed
  • Clean, well-fitting clothes

There are some things I might be willing to compromise on, as long as the fellow exhibits positive personaliy traits.

Must-have:

  • intellectual
  • sense of humor
  • kind and well-mannered
  • reads books, including fiction
  • good smile
  • knows or is willing to learn American Sign Language

I might date a jock if he’s not a bald, arrogant bully, for example.

But there are some things I’d never compromise on, the deal-breakers:

  • Smokes or does drugs
  • Cheats
  • Exhibits cruel, abusive, or selfish behavior
  • Lacks intellectual curiousity

Right now, despite whatever message this post might insinuate, I’m quite happy being single. The celibacy doesn’t bother me too much, quite yet. I’m in no hurry to go fishing, nor am I starving for my catch. That great fish, that studly sturgeon, can swim in that big pond for a while longer. (Even if I’m getting “old” and toeing the spinster line.)

I got creeped out, so I spam-filtered him.

First, some background. On the 8th, my friend K___ and I went to New York City for the day. We went to the Met, hung out at Central Park, had a light dinner, and wrapped up the night with the NY branch of Deaf Professionals Happy Hour at the Chelsea Brewery. It was a huge crowd of signing deaf folks and I met several cool deaf people and had some good chats. There was one fellow who latched on to me, a nice guy and a good conversationalist. He asked for my contact info and I gave him my email. Apparently, a big mistake.

***A note on deafness: What follows is an example of how native American Sign Language “speakers” write English. The thought patterns between the two languages are so drastically different, it is often very difficult for deaf students to learn how to write English, and teachers in Deaf schools often aren’t skilled enough at ASL themselves to properly teach deaf kids the differences between the two language structures.***

8/9/09 10:28am
Hi Rachel;
How are you and everything with you? I hope that you got home in Connecticut yesterday safety? How is about your Best Friend K____?

It was nice meeting you yesterday and thanks for the good time that we shared. You are cool and a nice person and I love your beautiful and wonderful smile and funny too.

I am thinking of coming to Connecticut this coming Saturday for us to go to restaurant and have dinner. You don’t need to worry about the expenses. I will take of them all. Your friend K____ can join us too if she want to.

I look forward to read from you. Take care and enjoy the beautiful weather!

8/9/09 2:07pm
Hi James!

Thank you for your kind words. Both Kristen and I had a grand time. We are looking forward to going again.

I am afraid this coming Saturday is not a good time for what you suggest, as I have already planned time with my sister’s family that weekend. Perhaps another time?

Thanks, and it was good to meet you and everyone else.

Rachel.

8/9/09 2:37pm
Hi Rachel:

Thanks a bunch of more abundantly for your kind email that I have just read. It is alright to have the plan other time as you will not be available this coming weekend. I will let you know in advance for a new date earlier this week.

Please always feel free and don’t hesitate to keep in touch with me in any moment. Have a great day and take care!

James

8/11/09 9:13pm
Hi Rachel:
How are you and how have you been doing. I hope that life is treating you well and that things are not stressful to you?

8/12/09 6:02pm
Hi Rachel:
How are you? I didn’t read from you yesterday and I hope everything is well with you.

Will it be a good idea with you in my coming to Connecticut on Saturday August 22 at the evening on the suggest that I made with you?

I still love that your beautiful and wonderful smile and funny too.

James

{I got uncomfortable with this particular email.It felt clingy, rushed, and altogether too intense. I don’t like being chased, and thats exactly how this guy was starting to make me feel.}

8/12/09 8:55pm
James
Thank you for the nice compliments. I’m afraid the date you suggest is not good for me. I recently broke up with my ex, and I am not interested in dating anyone. I probably wont be interested for a while. But thanks anyway, it was nice meeting and chatting with you and everyone at DPHH.
Rachel

8/13/09 7:01pm
Hi Rachel:
How are you today and your work. I understood your last email to me. I was touched and moved by it. I ask that you kindly don’t take this my email to you as being desperately. I understood how you felt of your last relationship. I know that it may not be easily for you but try to take heart. I felt how you feel and don’t let the past frustrating you, making you feel down or lose of self trust.

We know that issues don’t stop life going on or stop the world moving. On several occasion, when we ask God something and He refused to give it to us, we keep on asking Him without giving up and when He sees the honest desire of our hearts, He provides it to us because He knows it is for real and it will make us happy forever.

{Woah, “God”. Ugh. For those who aren’t aware, I am an atheist, and this was a complete turn-off as well as a major creep-alert. It gets worse, read on:}


I hope that you have read the book of Romeo and Julie. It is a very moving story that Romeo keeps on wanting relationship with Julie without willing to give up on Julie and Julie finally see that it is for real and gave in to Romeo and both live happily forever after even in death. It is a very touching story and it is worthy of intimately for those who want to have happiness ending in a real relationship.

When I saw you, I attracted you and hope to have companion with you and I know that I need to take it slow. I want you to know that I am for real with you and looking for dating with you to enable you get to know me better. Should we successfully make it through the dating, we will not be boyfriend and girlfriend but we will get married, signed, sealed and delivered that I promise to love you forever in good health and in sickness showing a lot of care. I will always be there for you on your side at all times and my love for you will never faded. I will at all times making sure that we are happy even though life is not a smooth ride, we will always take charge of our responsibilities to one another and solve our differences with love. I will always be only for you and will proudly wearing my ring for you showing my integrity, loyal and honestly cherish and love for you at all times.

Looking forward to read from you and thanks for your time in reading this genuine email.

James

8/14/09 6:42pm
Hi Rachel:
How are you? I hope that you have a good time with your sister’s family when you go to visit them tomorrow for the weekend

For me, I will not be working tomorrow and Sunday but will be taking the time tomorrow to vacuum the luxury carpets in the whole three bedrooms and the living room as well as mop the two bathrooms and the kitchen and clean the many closets. I normally do them when I am off from work. At the evening, I will go to restaurant in Manhattan to treat myself some dinners and also go to movie to watch District 9 that just come out today. On Sunday, I may go to Empire State Building. It has so many funny activities there in Manhattan. Manhattan is a few minutes away from my home in Brooklyn. How I wish that you participate with me for these outing.

8/14/09 7:23pm
James

The answer is no. Stop trying to change my mind. It wont happen. You are starting to bother me. And this is the last time I will reply to your emails.

YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE.

Please, stop chasing me!

R.

8/14/09 9:01pm
Apologized for how you felt

8/14/09 9:31pm
You accepted the apology that I sent to you?

{At this point I’m feeling harassed and seriously annoyed. And a little sorry for this guy, because he’s trying so hard, but I have to stand my ground. And, like my mother, when I say no I mean it. And I’m stubborn as hell, and all attempts to change my mind just makes my “no”s more set in stone.}


8/15/09 8:17am
Hi Rachel:
Good morning. I am so sorry for what you said in your last email.
I will not be feeling happy or comfortably if you feel that I am starting to bother you. Your happiness is of paramount importance.

I would like us to keep in touch. I know that you are a cool person.
I will appreciate it if we can have Friendship with each other.
Let me know. I hold you in high esteem.

James

8/15/09 12:59pm
Hi Rachel:
I have not read from you about us to have Friendship?
James

8/15/09 7:39pm
Hi Rachel:
How are you and things with you. I hope that you are having a good weekend. Please have the heart and the strength to forgive me and reply to my emails about having Friendship with you. I still see you as a cool and nice person.
Thanks.

James

At that point I had enough. I set my spam filters to block his emails. I meant it when I said I would not reply to any further contact. I just don’t understand why he didn’t get it. I dont regret it, but I do feel bad for him. But he creeped me out big time, so into the ban bin he went.

The joys of being single never cease.

“Hi There, Future Love!”

The above line was recently directed at me in a vain attempt to capture my interest. I was online, browsing a dating site. My response: a loud eyeroll and a delete on the chat window. If this had been in a bar, I would have been the girl struggling not to make a face, grabbing my drink and moving as far away as I possibly can.

I feel bad for guys who feel they have to use pick up lines to get a girl’s attention. I know its hard, and that it takes courage to make the first approach and risk rejection, but its sad because those lines just sound cheesy and lame and only guarantee rejection. They aren’t clever, nor are they amusing or flattering, and they are especially not romantic. A guy using them does so on the assumption that all girls are alike and are easily manipulated by transparent lines. It does make them stand out, but not in a good way. It makes a guy look cheesy, inexperienced, insecure, and clueless.
And desperate.

A line like the one used above just insults my intelligence, my needs, my femininity, my personhood.

Pick-up lines reverberate with a desperate need to prove something, and for me, and likely for a lot of other women, some internal biological instinct interprets that as male competition and dominance. Just not attractive.

Meeting people is not a competition. Finding love or even just sex is not about proving to some girl that you’re better than the rest of the guys, its not about standing out from the pack and proving you’re the best catch. Its actually about showing the girl you’ve got the confeidence in your own ability to be attractive, that you feel you might meet her exacting specifications, to show you’re interested in finding out what those secifications are, and to show that you have the ability to see her as a equal, not as a conquest to be won.

Despite repeated exhortions not to use cheesy pick-ups, guys continue to use them. Why? I suppose they must work to some degree, but is the kind of girl who falls for them really the kind of girl you guys want a relationship with?

You’ve got to tailor your approach to match the type of girl you want to attract. Guys, if you keep winding up with girls who aren’t right for you, it just be because you aren’t using the right tactics, or the right introductions. If you want a smart, sophisticated girl with class, that you can commit to instead of just fool around with, pick up lines are NOT the way to get her. The best way to get a girl to respond to you is to smile, show friendliness, respect her space, and say your name. Say why you are speaking to her–and this is important–don’t use nicknames, don’t say “sexy” or “hot”, and don’t mention her body. And don’t use prepackaged lines!