A DELIGHTFUL Chat Last Night. Also, Teal Post.

Okay, so I was on OKCupid last night, cleaning up my message box and stuff, when this guy, who shall henceforth be called DudeBro, pinged me and asked to meet this week. Well, I have plans this week, and I told him it wasnt a good time, that maybe after the holidays would be better and he gets all huffy, and says “if we cant make a date, than its not worth trying.” (this was the third such attempt on both our parts–we had both been busy). And I’m like, “ok, then, sure.”  Then a short few minutes later he replies “You never intended to go out with me anyway, did you?”

So here I’m feeling a little ambushed, and thinking, yanno asshole, I don’t owe you anything, and furthermore, if this is how you act over THIS, then I’m glad we aint ever gonna meet.   So I tell him “Actually, yes I would have met with you, since I enjoy meeting people, but I also suspected that we might also not be a good match.”

And the following conversation-cum-argument ensues:

it was nice [chatting with] you
And, if by chance, you have any suggestions as to how I can improve my profile, or myself to be more appealing
I’d love the help

🙂 ok
I actually dont think theres anything wrong with you profile–its good, IMHO. I gave you four stars, after all.

I’d love to know why I suck so bad , tho

hey just cuz things dont work doenst mean you suck

Last night one of my friends made out with me in front of the entire grad student bar, then went home to fuck some other dude.
and everyone noticed
she did this, because nobody thinks of me as the guy to go home with
they think of me as the lame friend who takes care of them and is nice
she didn’t mean to humiliate me
this is my life
one of my best friends back home
a friend who was my roomie like a decade ago

hmmm. [Translation: oh jesus christ]

always came to me with my problems, married (and divorced) one of my best friends back home
that dude, last time I saw him, he was making jokes about how my, at the time, girlfriend, who was all like, pushing to get married, would probably go home with another dude
So, the bottom line is, I’ve done a lot of stuff right
I’m getting a PhD at Yale, I’ve published twice in the top conference in my field
a place where professors are dying to get a single publication in
I’m on the regular list of reviewers for the top science journals in robotics
and now I’m so depressed that this is my life that I can’t even go on to finish my PhD or bring myself to wake up in the morning
and just a few minutes ago, a girl I said hi to on this site too like, a full 30 mins describing to me why she thought I was a loser, when I’d basically only said hi and said “oh, you’re not going to say hi back, oh well”
so, obviously I’ve done something very wrong
if even my friends think it’s okay to just treat me like a loser
and don’t understand when I don’t want to spend time with them
or why I’d rather be at home alone than go to the bar and deal with more people telling me how awful I am, and isn’t it cute that I’m the dumbass that gets drug along with all of the worthwhile people.
Anyway, thanks for being nice about the whole matter, and sorry for being a bit shocking

[Thinking it might be a good time to extricate myself from this conversation] well I dont know anything about you or why you have the issues you have and i definitely cant fix them for you or even begin to tell you what youre doing wrong. Seriously I hope things get better for you. Also, plese dont ever fall for the “nice guy bullshit” ok? that shit pisses me off.

I’m quite aware of the nice guy “bullshit”; it’s totally true [GAH! shit, here we go.]
What about me appealed to you

your intelligence and your gusto for what you do.  that youre not a shut in
how I knew it wouldnt go far—you travel too much and are a Christian. I cant see myself in a serious relationship with either a Christian or a Muslim  I will hang out with and be friends with religious folks. but I grew up in evangelical communities and frankly those people turned me off on LTRs with the religious folk

Perhaps I shouldn’t list my religion, I’m not like, a door knocking asshole

no, its important thing to list. and there are plenty of christian women who want to date christian men
and ONLY christian men

Not really
winning for an occasion is important
this.. what I have, it sucks
I’m not looking for a frigid bitch who doesn’t put out [nice, way to show your misogynism and what you REALLY want]
and I’m not interested in an evangelical psycho either
most christian women aren’t nutters like that

no they arent! lol thats why you shouldn’t hide your religion

k  I’d appreciate something more helpful than this “there’s someone for everyone” stuff
I want to win for a change

dating isnt a competion

There are guys who get to go to the bar
and they go home wioth a girl
and fuck her
and me
I get the girls who are done with that
they’re like “I had crazy group sex all through my 20s”
now I want a guy who can pay for my fucking obnoxious kids and take care of me

[all you want is to get in some girl’s panties? really? and whats wrong with the “girls who are done with that?”] girls are not “goals” to be “won” and if thats how you approach it, ladies will pick up on that and the decent ones will see that as a sign of disrespect and you’ll be shut out, *snap* like that

that’s irrelevant [fuck you asshole, how dare you ask for my opinion and then tell me its irrelevant?]

also, stop thinking you’ll find some chick at a bar barflies suck

I never said I treated women like that
I said that I’m tired of losing the game of life

no, you said you want to “win”

doesn’t matter, the girls who win don’t like me either
I do want to win
I have guy friends who get to do that shit
I just want a few months of my life where I get to do that shit
and women are all over them, and they DO treat women like shit
or, not really
They just don’t treat them all serious and committed
and the women eat it up

right you think its a competion–your comparing youself to what sounds liek DOUCHBAGS

they EAT UP that all of the other girls want them
I’d rather be a douchebag than be me [oh REALLY?!]
Like I said, you never took the prospect of me seriously, I want to be a guy who women take seriosuly

well if thats the way you think, then I wish you luck, but I cant and wont help you

why not?
maybe I don’t want to “dominate” women, I just want to be a guy that women like
to not look back on my life when I’m old and be like “well, I was a sucker, and women treated me like that, and I lived my loser life and now I’m in my shitty dirt-hole
it doesn’t seem like an undreasonable goal

your perspective on dating, life, guys and girls, all that stuff—its both disrespectful to yourself and women, adn I wont have a part in it

I’m not disrespectful
how am I disrespectful?
There’s a difference between saying “man, I’d rather be like that guy” and being disrespectful
I’m just saying that I want to be the fun, cool guy for a change

you honestly think that ranting aout how all girls want is douchbags, and youd rather be a douchbag so you can get some ass–er, a RELATIONSHIP–and getting mad when the girls you try to win over arent buying it or repsonding to you because youre playing by all the rules or waterever–thts not being disrespectful?  girls dont owe you or anyone sex or relationships

you’re putting a lot of words into my mouth
I said I’d like to be the guy who gets it
not that anybody owes me
and that some guys get it
and I don’t
and I’d like to know how to be different
I didn’t say anything of the nature of that I’m a creep who does a bunch of weird shit to get girls
or that women owe me sex
you said that
or rather, that I said it
I asked how I could be a more interesting guy
how I could be a guy who you WOULD like
what separates me from that guy

and the fact that you dont understand how what you say can be taken in the way I interpret it–as disrespectful and counterintuitive–really should make you think.

no, I do, but I think that you’re just in this mode of having bought into the idea that if a guy wants to do better with women, then he must be a creep that he wants to do better with women because he doesnt’ deserve to do well with women that what separates the cool guys from the losers is evolutionary
and that trying to buck that is wrong

No, I think that when you say you want to be a douchbag instead of a”loser” like you think you are, just so you can get sex and a realionship as a bonus–THAT makes you look and sound like a creep.
dating is not a game
sex is not a game
GIRLS are not a game

there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the guy who gets the girl
and if I’m unhappy with myself, wanting to change is okay too

nor are they and nor shall they EVER be treated as one.

you’re putting words into my mouth
listen, you AGREE that some guys are better with women than others, right?

youre stiulll not getting my point, and maybe im not making it well, but the fact is–I think your way of thinking of the whole thing is your problem

I don’t think so
I think that you’re not listening to what I’m saying

and with that., good night. and good luck.[translation: fuck you again, you asked for my opinion and you completely dismiss what I try to tell you? You’re way too stuck in the bullshit “I’m a victim” to even be receptive to another point of view.] 

And here is where I sign off from the website.  What follows is everything he posted to my message box after I left. Everything in red is my pissy mental retort.

that you WANT it to be something else, something that you saw on tv or something
k, bye
Sorry that conversation went so poorly, because I really would value your input, and I think that if we could get on the same page that you’d actually be quite helpful [No, you want me to be on your page, and that wont work, because your page is WRONG]
but I also think that your life experiences tell a very different story from mine [yeah, I dont surround myself with douchebag “friends” or think I should be like them; I dont surround myself with girls (or guys as the case would be) that have no reciprocating interest in me; and I dont resent other people when I feel rejected.]
See, I’ve always been very nice, very loyal to my friends, a hard worker I GENUINELY care about other people, and their problems
But, I can’t help but notice that the treatment that I receive, the output, what I get out of my life, isn’t very good  now, you might think that wanting what those other guys get is douchey
but I don’t. I think that it’s natural
there’s nothing wrong with wanting people to like you and respect you,
and to get the things that make them happy
this doesn’t mean objectifying women,
but last night, my FRIEND, someone who still considers herself someone that I’d confide in, humliated me at the bar and didn’t even THINK about it
it was just the natural order to her
and when I go home for christmas, the people back home will think the same of me
you don’t have to objectify women, or consider them points in a game to want better for yourself than that and when I turn down my friends invites to parties and stuff, they really don’t get it,
and they don’t get why I don’t have fun when I’m there but think about it, my BEST relationships, the ones that are the POSITIVE ones in my life are ones where people think I’m that crappy
and I’ve done a lot with myself
Surely you wouldn’t think I’m a douche JUST for the fact that I want people like me, respect me, and women sleep with me
but WANTING those things, makes me a douche in your opinion [yeah, actually–you’ve basically spent the better part of 90 minutes begging to get laid by anyone, and for decent girls to pay attention to you. yeah, you’re acting like a douche.]
anyway, that’s all I had to say, maybe you’ll see it my way and choose to help me.

Um, yeah. No. I wont have anything to do with a misogynistic 30-year old child with a NiceGuy(TM) complex–I wont ever see it his way and I wont ever help any dudebro be a douchebag just so he can get some ass.  And I wont ever accept some dudebro asking me for my opinion on something and then completely dismissing everything I say in favor of his own vastly superior male point of view. I got two links for those “Nice Guys.”  One, youre actually not that nice at all, and Two, you’re being treated like a loser because you’re acting like one.  You want a relationship with a woman? Ditch the people in your life that make you feel like shit. Dont take rejection personally.  Ditch the Nice Guy issues and be a GOOD GUY.  Develop the Triumverate of Attraction:

  • a) good communication skills; if you’re interested in a woman, let her know. do not be shy, or ambigous. Speak–verbally and non-verbally–with clarity and intent.
  • b) be respectful; understand and respect that people have thoughts and motivations that you will never know; and don’t expect anything from anyone; and don’t take shit personally.
  • c) have a good personality: be confident. be funny. be relaxed. have fun. Be interested IN HER, and what she has to say,  and SHOW her what makes you interesting.

And for gods sake, don’t ever think of dating, sex, relationships, or OTHER HUMAN BEINGS as just a game. Nothing is a game–life is not a competition, and success is not measured by the notches on your belt.  And if trying to live a life like that makes you unhappy, then just stop . Really. STOP.



15 thoughts on “A DELIGHTFUL Chat Last Night. Also, Teal Post.

    1. WIGSF; yeah, not really our problem. if a dude has issues, then he’s got issues, and only he can deal with it.

      also, men wreak just as much havoc on women, and have a longer history of doing quite a bit of damage. So no, your statement doesnt fly here.

      1. You see, some of what DudeBro said in those incoherent ramblings struck a chord with me. I’m pretty sure I’ve said some of those same things. I know I’ve felt some of those things and wanted to say some of those things. I see a younger me in DudeBro.

        As a guy, I know I’ve been messed up by the women folk of this planet.

        Mind you, I didn’t read the whole thing. I gave up when it got way too nutsy.

  1. The main thing going through my mind reading this was: And he’s surprised he’s alone?????

    Imagine getting this crap on a date. Because I’d bet my bottom dollar that’s what he dishes out.

    Um dude, people think you’re a loser because you ARE a loser.

  2. Whoa, that “Almost Dr.” DudeBro was both heavy AND psychotic at the same time. It’s interesting that you stayed in the conversation as long as you did… .
    It’s also part of the reason why I left that “lifestyle” in Academia(TM)-look what it turns you into!

  3. May I salute your efforts to educate the uneducateable?

    Unfortunately, it’s likely that Mr. DudeBro will spiral into a self-reinforcing circle of woman hatred because of his belief that he’s too ‘nice’, and women really want assholes. Then – surprise, surprise – he gets an excuse to act like an asshole, because the world owes him sex.

    Shame, really. I don’t think he’s a bad person – just very, very ignorant with a side helping of self-pity and mild delusion. The level of re-education needed to get him out of that and into a place where he actually has a chance with the women he’s interested in is probably too much for a non-counsellor to deal with.

    To any men reading this: women are not an alien race, nor are they mysterious, capricious beings out to mess with your head, nor are they angels for you to worship. They are just as good or evil as you; treating them like human beings is always the best tactic, and judging them individually is the only right thing to do.

    TL;DR: Acting like an Apatovian man-child = reduced chance of sex.

      1. It’s a reference to Judd Apatov, the director of such films as The 40-year old Virgin, Anchorman, Superbad… you get the idea. His male protagonists are pretty much all alike – whiny, dependent, incompetent, self-pitying man children who chase after women who, in the real world, would probably mace them on first contact.

        I just love the phrase so much. ^_^ I think I picked it up from the Hathor Legacy blog.

  4. Right at “You never intended to go out with me anyway, did you?” is where my door would have slammed shut and locked. In other words, you were supposed to beg him for another chance when he said it wasn’t going to work out, and that was his forcing a foot in your door while you were closing it. Feet like that I have no problem breaking.

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