A New Chair, and Apocalypso

I finally got around to buying the new office chair I’ve been needing for years. Up until today, I had been doing all my computing, writing, art, and drafting on a standard doctor’s-office-waiting-room-stiff-backed-POS chair.  Why the hell for, you ask? Because it was all I could afford at the time, and I got it at the thrift store for five bucks. It should come as no suprise that for months now I’ve been avoiding using the computer and doing all that other stuff because I hated the idea of sitting in that damn chair one more time. Everything, including blogging and writing and designing, languished under a growing veneer of dust.

Today, I had enough and decided it was high time I did something about that. I’ve got money now after all, so what the hell was I waiting for (I’m hoarding moola for my new laptop so I can buy a top-of-the-line MacBook in May).  So I hauled my miserly, procrastinating ass to Staples to see what they had for under $50 bucks. And I found this. It ROLLS.  It SWIVELS.  It TILTS! It goes UP and it goes DOWN! I am filled with much squee.  It is a bit harder than I would prefer, but what the fuck ever–it does what I need it to do: namely the above, AND gets me to put my ass in it.

So I should be at the computer doing my business much more frequently, and if not, then someone come over here and yell at me and slap me around, for I have run out of excuses.

***

So, today on John Scalzi’s website he posted a call for questions for his annual “Reader Request Week”, and I–in my infinite genius–posted the following (poorly-edited) question:

It seems to me that everyone likes a good appcalypse. There certainly are a lot of end-of-the-world! stories and movies out there, from Revelations in Christian theology, to the prophecies of Nostradamus,to cold war fears of nuclear holocausts, to movies like Zombieland and 2012.

Do you think there will be an apocalypse in the near (or far) future? If so, what form do you think it will likely take, Four Horsemen, Life-extinguishing Asteroid, Zombie Plauge, the Second Coming, or some Other Exciting Event?

This in turn got me thinking about all the many ways the world could end, in addition to those ennumerated above. And I also started thinking of how I, if I were an evil overlord with god-like powers, would orchestrate the Earth’s (or just Humanity’s) Demise.  I narrowed it down to two possibilities.

Option A: Operation Superbug

Explosions and Fiery Swaths of Death don’t really float my boat.  I see way too much of that from Hollywood action flicks and disaster movies. It’s a banal, trite way to destroy existence. Why, yes, I am jaded, why do you ask?  Instead I would unleash upon Humanity a vicious, devastating disease
the likes of which no person can withstand! It shall sweep across the land and envelop the globe in days and humankind will fall under it’s bloody, flesh-eating ruin. I envision an airborne Ebola. Filoviruses are so awesome.  Did you know the Black death is thought by some folks to be a filovirus? I should have been an epidemiologist. Plagues rock! With my plague, perhaps there will be a few survivors.  Definitely no zombies. Zombies are lame.

Option B: Operation Big Freeze

I hate winter, and so I think it would be the worst sort of hell to have the earth freeze over forever and ever (or just a millenia).  The Earth’s orbit would widen at the same time the sun’s cycle dips into the trough of one of its Great Minimums (a la the Maunder Minimum and the Little Ice Age). If need be, I’d throw in a volcanic explosion like Tambora just to make sure it happens (I’d grumble at the necessity, but I’d do it). It would start with endless snow storms, one after the other, and falling temperatures that linger and kill infants and the elderly.  The polar ice sheets would expand and creep upon the earth, tearing down trees and mountians, and sending ravenous polar bears further south to eat Canadians and the Chinese.  Humanity would flee southward, to congregate in more temperate climes and arable farmland would dwindle and populations would starve. Starve! And much fighting and warring would ensue. And still the earth grows colder, the ice creepth, the polar bears get bigger, and humankind dwindles, until only the shattered remnants of broken, empty souls remain.  And if some smartass savior gets the idea to instigate Global Warming on purpose, I shall smite them with Operation Superbug.

Bwhahahahaha!

So there you have it. Armageddon a la Rachel.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hot bath to take and a book to write.

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25 thoughts on “A New Chair, and Apocalypso

  1. You missed Option C: WIGSF Finally Goes Off the Deep End

    Basically, it’s bound to happen one day when I just totally flip out, grab both of my Ghostbusters proton packs, crank ’em up to full and cross the streams.

    And if you’re full of squee, I can help you out with that.

  2. only you, rachel 🙂 only you would devote an entire blog post to how you would go about destroying the world. hahahha… i’ve missed you.

    and while i certainly don’t want to be around for either as a reality, i think i like your ideas. at least for a film. i’d hate to think of anyone i know/love to suffer through either. but i’d sure as hell love to see either movie.

    1. Hi martha! *hugs*
      Not the ENTIRE post, there was something about a new functional chair, if I recall.

      maybe I shall write one into a book and it will get adapted into a screenplay!!

      1. oh yes… you’re correct. the chair was a good buy. i just got so distracted by your apocalypse… i forgot about it 🙂

        and please do! i’d read the book AND see the movie!

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