Week Of Peeves: Wednesday

Pet Peeve #3: Assholes, or; The Careless Disregard of Other Human Beings.

There are thousands of ways in which assholery can manifest, these are but just a couple of those instances in which I have had to suffer:

One can resonably assume that the foods in a shared refigerator at one’s workplace belong to the person who put said foods in there. Good manners dictate that one does not consume food intended for consumption by another, presumably by the one who actually purchased the food!

In other words, my dear friends, if you did not buy it, do not eat it, right? Well, assholes don’t give a fuck. They see your food, they decide they are hungry, and figure your butter would taste good on their toast. And, not content with just stealing a little bit of spread, they instead SLATHER huge heaping servings, not once, not twice, but for the rest of the week! Until, at the end of less than 2 weeks, a tub of butter meant to last a month is competely spent. Your butter is an ex-butter.

To the butter bandit who stole my $2.50, I say: I am ap-PALLED, sir!

Perhaps my standards of behavior are too high. I do strongly think that socialization should occur only in designated socilization venues. Hallways and aisles and other such places of human traffic are neither acceptable nor designated places for shooting the breeze with long-lost acquaintances or your neighbor’s preacher’s son who, being single, absolutely should meet your sister’s brother-in-law’s daughter, who is just a delightful girl and is incidentially newly single.

Regardless of whether you are two blue-haired crones in floral frocks, or a trio of plastic trophy wives gossiping about your husbands indulgences, or even harried mothers with your entire brood in tow, you do not have leave to block the entire shopping aisle with your collective bulk and your congealed carts just so you can play the “OMG! How ARE you?!” game.

Hello?! And EXCUSE ME! There are other people who have actual shopping to do, places to go, lives to be lived! You’re in our fucking way!
Shut up and move!

(The gender bias here is intentional, as I have never ONCE seen men initiate this sin; it is always their wives with whom they are saddled, the poor sods.)


8 thoughts on “Week Of Peeves: Wednesday

  1. For a long time, the accepted method to see if an elephant has been in your refrigerator is to check the butter for footprints. Obviously, now you’ll never know if an elephant was in your fridge or not…

  2. hallway socialization is what text messaging is for. Pass someone you know, shoot them a “hey!”, continue walking, text them later. win.

  3. You what’s the worst part about somebody using your spreadable food topping (in your case butter)? It’s when the little bit the asshole leaves has other food parts left behind. Like this one time I opened a jar of jam to find, not only was some jam gone, but bits of peanut butter were left in its place. Don’t double dip, and especially with a product that is a common allergin. I undertand that some people like peanut butter and jam sandwiches. I get that. But I’m allergic to peanut butter dammit! And now, there’s peanut butter in every friggin’ thing in the fridge. It’s on the butter, in every jar of jam and in the margerine too.

    I could not agree with you more on assholes who steal your butter. There should be a special jail for these people. This ain’t a joke. No hyperbole here. I’m dead serious about this. Lock ’em the fuck up and throw the damn key!

  4. time for a passive aggressive note on the butter that says “buy your own, prick. stop taking mine”

    or is that just agressive?

    maybe add “or i’ll fucking kill you”

  5. The only time when the stop and talk is acceptable is at the bottom of a hill where people are sliding on inner tubes in the winter. Cause you can’t control and inner tube and you’re gonna mow them down like they so richly deserve.

  6. I don’t get the shopping cart aisle blocking either. Are people completely unaware that they are NOT the only people in the store? I always park my cart to one side, or at the end of the aisle.

    The mayhem continues at check-out… there is ALWAYS somebody in line with two items who WILL NOT USE the “express” line… or worse, who brings their shopping cart FULL of crap into the express line.

    And once outside the store, you are STILL not in the clear… notice that the rules of the road apparently do not apply in parking lots — Go IN at the EXIT, drive against the arrow, ignore the stop sign or pedestrians.

    Damn… I think I have convinced myself that I need to apply for a concealed weapons permit.

  7. lol @ Kara.

    Oh, and I played the OMG, HOW ARE YOU?! game with one of YOUR friends at the Big Y today. Expect and email or text message at some point.

  8. also, you forgot to mention the people who insist on socializing in the public restroom where others are engaged in more earthly pursuits.

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