In which I display a bit of misanthropy

I live in a state where the vast majority of the population hates hot weather. Granted, it is a coastal state, and the humidity is pretty high, though I would point out that it is not nearly as high as in the South or the Tropics. People here love to complain about how hot they are and how intolerable 85 degrees is.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of it.

I grew up in the arid Western states where summers are like saunas and the wind blows hot dry sand against your skin and eyes. I like being warm, and I have a high tolerance for heat. I probably should extend that tolerance to my thick-blooded brethren, but…I’m not in the mood. I’m bloody hot too. I’m stinky and sweaty, and my face is flushed to a dull, oily red. I’m not exactly basking in the sun like a happy toad. But I’m coping. I’m tolerating this indignity. Because I don’t have a choice and I know that complaining about how hot I am only makes me feel hotter. Why? Because getting upset about anything just elevates your goddamn blood pressure and makes you hotter. And listening to all you people whine about how hot you are is aggravating me and making it hard for me to stay cool. And I’ve got PMS and y’all are pissing me off.

Heres some tips on staying cool. Just stop complaining at me.

  1. Wear lightweight clothes. Heres an odd thing: sometimes lightweight long sleeved shirts and slacks can keep you cooler than tanks and shorts–because it keeps the sun OFF your skin. Check out the Arabs and other Mideastern peoples. They don’t dress that way just for modesty!
  2. Drink lots of water. Yeah, this is obvious, but I’m constantly amazed at how many people are drinking anything but water. Water is the best thermo-regulator on earth, better even than lemonade. Colas, teas, and iced coffees are diuretics, and will deplete your body of water, thus making you feel hotter in the long run. If you’re drinking this shit, beat yourself instead of complaining.
  3. Soak a large rag or handkerchief in cold water and wrap it around your head or neck. Honest to god, this will keep you cool until all the water evaporates away–20 minutes or longer, depending on how direct the heat you are in is. Under the full glare of the noon sun–20 minutes; inside the shady confines of your home–about an hour or more.
  4. Take a cool or lukewarm bath or shower. Most refreshing–and cleansing, too! Definitely lowers your core temperature for a significant period of time.
  5. Go to the mall or Walmart. Take a rack of clothes with you to the dressing room. Don’t try any of them on, just sit in the dressing room and meditate. Enjoy the free air conditioning.
  6. If department stores aren’t for you, go to the bookstore instead.
  7. Go to your local water park, expensive and bad for your skin, but effective.
  8. Let yourself sweat. Let a sheen of salty fluid coat your face and neck. Yeah, I know it feels gross, but it actually works. I cant explain it, but it works.
  9. *Updated* Don’t bother fanning yourself. It does nothing to lower your body temperature. All it does is move hot air across your face, and remind you of just how fucking hot it is.
  10. Most important thing you can do for yourself: don’t obsess over how hot you are! It just makes it harder for you to cope with it, because it becomes all you can think about. And then all you can do is complain and bug the hell out of me. So shut up already, drink a glass of water, and do something about it.

Consider this: pigs don’t have sweat glands. Be glad you aren’t a pig.

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19 thoughts on “In which I display a bit of misanthropy

  1. dude, you are so fucked up. LMAO.

    nice rant though. i hope it’s not directed at me, seeing as how i did my fair share of complaining about the heat while in your presence.

    stay cool!

  2. Nice Rant. I’ll take heat over ice cold any day.

    I spent 3 hours at the barn where it was 95 degrees, little shade, if any at all, and high humidity. According to the news it felt like 105. I’m okay with this heat, didnt’ complain once. However, there is never anything good that comes from sweat dripping down you like you just got out of an icky shower.

  3. I live in a country obsessed by the weather, where complaining about it is a national sport. Like you, I take the view that you deal with it and shut up, or do something about it, like move – preferably to Australia.

    Puss

  4. I for one should be living in the tropics because I love this weather. I wait all fall, winter, and spring for the time when it’s finally hot enough to sleep naked.

    The only problem is how hot and sweaty man-friend gets next to me in bed. Summer is not the best time for lovin’, despite what those folks in ‘Grease’ might say.

  5. I for one should be living in the tropics because I love this weather. I wait all fall, winter, and spring for the time when it’s finally hot enough to sleep naked.

    The only problem is how hot and sweaty man-friend gets next to me in bed. Summer is not the best time for lovin’, despite what those folks in ‘Grease’ might say.

  6. Thank you thank you thank you.

    I figure you can bitch about the cold or the heat, but not both like most people here do.

    So it’s hot and muggy. Get the hell over it, you complained all winter about how cold it was and how you were looking forward to this, so shut the hell up!

    That’s all.

  7. number three – put the wet handkerchief around your neck – the carotid artery supplying blood to your head/brain is near the surface and the wet handkerchief facilitates the transfer of heat out of the artery/neck into the handkerchief.

    number nine – the explanation is evaporation. water is a more effective heat transmitter than air – so the sweat on your skin transmits the heat from you to the air via evaporation.

    Paramedics (at least used too) use alcohol based fluids to pour onto people with heat prostration because alcohol evaporates so quickly, thus quickly lowering the person’s temperature.

  8. i could hardly finish this. it was rainy, gray and cold all day here. i’d give my left ball to actually break a sweat if it meant i could see sunshine.

    next year we’re doing a swap.

  9. I read that we’re adapted to the heat and for running….

    In the African savanna, locals sometimes hunt large beasts by running after them for 20 miles…. even though the animals are larger and run faster, the human animal is able to sweat to cool his body… and can track the prey until it dies of heat exhaustion.

    Well, have a good one!

  10. I like the hot weather. Vastly preferable to the cold. And it’s a reminder to slow down and enjoy the summer. Besides, it goves you a good excuse to drink a ice cold beer. (yeah, I know, you said water. Blah blah blah.)

  11. I think any independent adult has no right to complain about the weather where they live. They should just put a sock in it and move where they’ll be happy. It bugs me beyond reason when people don’t take control of their life and do what is necessary to be happy.

    And I agree with Citizen…there is nothing like warm weather to produce a cold beer craving!

  12. I think any independent adult has no right to complain about the weather where they live. They should just put a sock in it and move where they’ll be happy. It bugs me beyond reason when people don’t take control of their life and do what is necessary to be happy.

    And I agree with Citizen…there is nothing like warm weather to produce a cold beer craving!

  13. I live in San Francisco, where the weather is in the high 50’s-low 60’s this week.

    Mark Twain once said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”

    That’s one way to beat the heat.

    Seriously, Rachel, you are right about not obsessing about it. It does raise blood pressure and make you even hotter.

  14. hahahhaha… awesome.
    i do bitch on occasion when i get too hot… but i usually do it laughingly with a “welcome to texas” throwin in for good measure.

    i’m with you on the people who never shut up about it. i just want to slap them and say “then move and leave me the hell alone!”

    haha… great post.

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