I live in a state where the vast majority of the population hates hot weather. Granted, it is a coastal state, and the humidity is pretty high, though I would point out that it is not nearly as high as in the South or the Tropics. People here love to complain about how hot they are and how intolerable 85 degrees is.
Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of it.
I grew up in the arid Western states where summers are like saunas and the wind blows hot dry sand against your skin and eyes. I like being warm, and I have a high tolerance for heat. I probably should extend that tolerance to my thick-blooded brethren, but…I’m not in the mood. I’m bloody hot too. I’m stinky and sweaty, and my face is flushed to a dull, oily red. I’m not exactly basking in the sun like a happy toad. But I’m coping. I’m tolerating this indignity. Because I don’t have a choice and I know that complaining about how hot I am only makes me feel hotter. Why? Because getting upset about anything just elevates your goddamn blood pressure and makes you hotter. And listening to all you people whine about how hot you are is aggravating me and making it hard for me to stay cool. And I’ve got PMS and y’all are pissing me off.
Heres some tips on staying cool. Just stop complaining at me.
- Wear lightweight clothes. Heres an odd thing: sometimes lightweight long sleeved shirts and slacks can keep you cooler than tanks and shorts–because it keeps the sun OFF your skin. Check out the Arabs and other Mideastern peoples. They don’t dress that way just for modesty!
- Drink lots of water. Yeah, this is obvious, but I’m constantly amazed at how many people are drinking anything but water. Water is the best thermo-regulator on earth, better even than lemonade. Colas, teas, and iced coffees are diuretics, and will deplete your body of water, thus making you feel hotter in the long run. If you’re drinking this shit, beat yourself instead of complaining.
- Soak a large rag or handkerchief in cold water and wrap it around your head or neck. Honest to god, this will keep you cool until all the water evaporates away–20 minutes or longer, depending on how direct the heat you are in is. Under the full glare of the noon sun–20 minutes; inside the shady confines of your home–about an hour or more.
- Take a cool or lukewarm bath or shower. Most refreshing–and cleansing, too! Definitely lowers your core temperature for a significant period of time.
- Go to the mall or Walmart. Take a rack of clothes with you to the dressing room. Don’t try any of them on, just sit in the dressing room and meditate. Enjoy the free air conditioning.
- If department stores aren’t for you, go to the bookstore instead.
- Go to your local water park, expensive and bad for your skin, but effective.
- Let yourself sweat. Let a sheen of salty fluid coat your face and neck. Yeah, I know it feels gross, but it actually works. I cant explain it, but it works.
- *Updated* Don’t bother fanning yourself. It does nothing to lower your body temperature. All it does is move hot air across your face, and remind you of just how fucking hot it is.
- Most important thing you can do for yourself: don’t obsess over how hot you are! It just makes it harder for you to cope with it, because it becomes all you can think about. And then all you can do is complain and bug the hell out of me. So shut up already, drink a glass of water, and do something about it.
Consider this: pigs don’t have sweat glands. Be glad you aren’t a pig.