A Sartorial Rant

Dear Clothing Designers;

I cannot in good conscience call you “fashion designers” because the garments you have created for this season’s lineup are anything but fashionable! What is this loathsome, vomitous garbage? What the fuck is wrong with you people? What in hell possessed you to think that these shapeless, gaudy, tacky, pieces of shit were fashion-worthy?

I cannot possibly wear these hideous things. Unlike your models, I am not an anorexic stick. I am a plump woman with big boobs, a tiny waist, a big ass, and thunder thighs. Do you have any idea what these clothes do to a woman like me? It makes us look shapeless and FAT, people!

And even if I did have a stick-thin, flat-chested body like your models, I still wouldn’t wear these abominable sacks! These patterns! Those fabrics! What possessed you?!

You know what your problem is? You’re no longer designing clothes for the market–you’re designing clothes for your models. You have one body type in the entire fashion industry and you design all your clothes around that one body type. Your industry revolves around the models, not you! How stupid is that? Wouldn’t it make more sense to design clothes for a variety of differently-shaped women and then hire a variety of differently-shaped models to fit those designs? Imagine the versatility! Imagine the exploding market! Imagine the money!

Y’all better shape up for Winter, or gawd help me, I’ll make my own fucking clothes.

With much ire,
Rachel

*********** *************

Dear Dudes;

Step away from the baggy clothes, guys.

They don’t look good on you. They don’t look good on anyone–not the fat ones, nor the tall ones, the short ones. the beefy ones, or the average ones. Neither do they look good on the Black ones, the White ones, or the Hispanics, Asians, or the Indians. Bottom line, they don’t look good on anyone and especially not on you.

If you’ve got an athletic, muscular, fit body, why would you hide it under baggy tees and bulky jeans? If you are a big fellow, with a large paunch or flabby man-boobs, why would you make yourself look BIGGER wearing clothes ten times the size of your body?

Furthermore, my dear dudes, for the love of GAWD, please stop belting your pants under your buttcheeks! Showing off your boxers, layered over your tighty-whiteys, and tucking the back of your shirt(s) into those boxers makes you look like a stupid clown. It’s a ridiculous look, and I assure you, is completely unattractive. It makes your butt look like a plaid bubble. Combine that with your oversized clothes that hide your form like a male burka–it quite literally makes you look like an ass.

An ass with a head.

Don’t get me wrong, men, I’m not telling you to wear tight or clingy clothes, I’m asking you to please wear clothes that fit. That are properly cut to show off your assets and hide your flaws. A man’s good looks rests in his broad shoulders and arms, his narrow hips, and firm legs. I’m begging you, wear clothes that fit you in these areas, that make you look like a man, not a shapeless mass of fabric.

Dudes, do your penises a favor. Stop dressing like ass-clowns and start dressing like men.

Disgustedly,
Rachel

**note: all images found via Google image search.

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18 thoughts on “A Sartorial Rant

  1. Let me guess, you’ve been hired to judge the next season of America’s Next Top Model.

    Actually, I’m with you – I buy most of my stuff from vintage and retro stores now. Just so it fits.

    Puss

  2. Ah, how I love a good rant. Actually I like the way too big pants hanging under the butt look. I once saw a guy literaly lose his pants. They fell. To. His! Knees!

    I’m always hoping to see that utter look of humiliation again.

  3. You go girl! Great tantrum! Do you need a time out? Ha! My particular favorite you have linked was under “hideous” That damn yellow thing reminds me of a 1966 prom dress. Better dust off your sewing machine!

  4. Wow, this must be one of the best rants I’ve ever read!

    I once heard in the news about a guy who robbed a bank and escaped on foot. As the police were chasing him, his pants fell to his feet, and that’s how the police caught him!

    These American men, I think they’re afraid to look good. Must be all the Puritanistic brainwashing. Although I can’t really talk; my boyfriend is a fab dresser and gives ME fashion tips!

  5. Wow, this must be one of the best rants I’ve ever read!

    I once heard in the news about a guy who robbed a bank and escaped on foot. As the police were chasing him, his pants fell to his feet, and that’s how the police caught him!

    These American men, I think they’re afraid to look good. Must be all the Puritanistic brainwashing. Although I can’t really talk; my boyfriend is a fab dresser and gives ME fashion tips!

  6. Omg, a kindred spirit! Haha. I thought I was the only one that had to touch EVERYTHING in an art store. I usually have to buy at least two things before leaving. Hobby Lobby is hiring where I live, and for a brief moment I thought about applying just for a side job, but then realized I’d probably end up paying them to work there, just for all the stuff I’d find I couldn’t live without!

    God, I don’t think you can be an artist without being a supplies junkie.

    I’d love to see more posts of your work!

    I think if I had to choose one place as my “happy place,” it would have to be art stores.

  7. Omg, a kindred spirit! Haha. I thought I was the only one that had to touch EVERYTHING in an art store. I usually have to buy at least two things before leaving. Hobby Lobby is hiring where I live, and for a brief moment I thought about applying just for a side job, but then realized I’d probably end up paying them to work there, just for all the stuff I’d find I couldn’t live without!

    God, I don’t think you can be an artist without being a supplies junkie.

    I’d love to see more posts of your work!

    I think if I had to choose one place as my “happy place,” it would have to be art stores.

  8. Okay, I promise this is the last comment for now, but I just saw your art website. I absolutely love Three Sisters of the Marsh and Embryonic! Great work!

  9. Okay, I promise this is the last comment for now, but I just saw your art website. I absolutely love Three Sisters of the Marsh and Embryonic! Great work!

  10. Amen Sister! … i agree with you 100 and some %!!

    Especially about men, what would it take for a man to stand back and realise how a woman would appreciate him so much more if he maybe had some sort of fashion sense.. not metro, just comon sense.. aww how i crave that..

    and as for the stick thin models.. that is totally wrong.. they are just showing the world, what is meant to be right… and thats definitly wrong..

    thanks for this rant, you took the words out of my mouth… 🙂

  11. thank you, well said. I can not stand men with their pants down their ass. however, there is nothing more comfy than a moo-moo.

    What theses designers made remind me of Mrs. Roper from 3’s company. On the other hand, I prefer this look to the tight below hip huggers and muffin tops.

  12. hahaaha! tell us how you really feel, rachel 😉

    but seriously. i totally agree.
    although i do actually like some of those patterns (but i love lots of funky colors, etc.)

  13. My goodness, I think I have a new hero! Fabulous! Yes indeedy! Baggy clothing on people looks dreadful. It is the default dressing option for the overweight but as one fellow I read proclaimed it makes you ‘look like an elephant hiding in a yert.’ And the fit young happening people have NO excuse and should all be publicly mocked for their appalingly bad taste!

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