Its strange. Now that I’ve removed myself from that obligation of “must post regulary!” I find that I am actually motivated and capable of posting daily, which is more than I was able to do before.
What’s also strange (and very much a relief) is that all my creative drive feels like it is coming back to me. Now that I’ve stopped trying to force myself to feel inspired for things I wasn’t really inspired to do, I was able to actually design! And write (sort of–I had shut that part of me away for so long, it is a bit of a struggle to get it back)!But driving home last night after work, I had a vision of gold granules and black pearls in a pendant of sea and sand and seaweed…and I can’t describe that small joy I felt just to be inspired–and the acceptance that this is what I prefer to think about.
As for writing, I’m excited about that too. I dug out my copious notes for my fantasy epic. After refreshing my memory a bit, I wrote a small fragment about a page long. Its coming to me slowly, very slowly, though. I am no longer used to thinking that way–I had completely denied that part of myself for nearly 2 years. I regret that now, but at the time, I seemed like the right thing to do. Perhaps I’ll go into that some other day.
All that said and done, I still feel like I have no time to do it; like I have too much to do. Its really not all that much, but I’ve been procrastinating, and things are starting to pile up…there’s the car taxes I have to pay, the bills I have to arrange payment for, I gotta get myself an earmold (for my hearing aid), I got groceries to buy, and chores to do…its a bit overwhelming to think of them all!
And then, there’s my plan for the weekend:
- scrub the apartment: I’ve got about a month’s worth of cleaning to do, overall, and perhaps 2 months worth for the bathroom. But most importantly, I have to clean the kitchen, which still smells like smoke and burned rice–the aftereffects of my disastrous attempt at wild rice stuffing last weekend. Long story short, I forgot to add more water to the pot to allow for the dried fruit I cooked with the rice. What came out of the pot was charcoal. I thought all the smoke was coming from the almond meal I used to bread the pork, which, btw, came out PERFECTLY. Alas, it was the rice. And now, I don’t have a pot.
- buy a new pot.
- Laundry. Mostly standard stuff, but I do have a pile of towels that smell like cat piss–because I let the litter box get too dirty. At least my cat doesn’t piss on the carpet.
- buy more cat litter.
- sift through the mess of notes for my book. HOW could I have written so much about the same stuff–and none of actual “writing”? Its all world-creation and characterization. Nothing on plot, excepting a few scene lists. Of a stack of papers 3 inches deep, I’ve got only 10 or 15 pages of actual storytelling done. I foresee a lot of work ahead of me.
Hopefully, I’ll find the time to play some video games.