Blocked: time for a self-pity party.

(Technically, I’m not blocked–I’ve got ideas. What I’m lacking is the discipline and/or the motivation. And thats pissing me off…)

I’ve spent the last week or so reading art blogs such as this and also this, meaning to do my own work, but never getting around to it. I am feeling jealous of other’s productivity and creativity, and ergo, success. When it comes to actually doing my own work, I feel a strange reluctance–of mingled trepidation, disillusionment, and uninspired-ness. I feel like I have nothing to do; as if I have no ideas, even though I have sketchbooks and journals filled with nothing but ideas and experiments to try, as well as some small commissions for my own family and friends.

I know I want to work; I feel a NEED to work, and I certainly have work to do, but when I come home, I simply do not do. Instead, I feel jealous and frustrated and disappointed, like I am a failure. In short, I am discouraged. Why am I doing this art making stuff anyway?

I doubt my ability, my creativity, my marketability. My desire and my commitment. When I come home after a 12-hour work day (including commute), all I want to do is vegetate. I don’t really want to work some more, and that’s what art making has become–another chore, even though its one I (normally) adore doing. My problem is I need to start new work, but I hate starting (all my recent works have been pieces I started months ago, retrieved from dusty storage).

But even though I’m currently playing with old material, I still I need to give my newest ideas a chance to flourish and grow and lead to more ideas. I need to give myself a chance to play with those ideas without pressuring myself to MAKE ART (it has to be good, it has to be wonderful, it has to be perfect, it has to SELL).

That’s why I’m stuck in limbo, I suppose. I’m pressuring myself too hard and beating myself up for failing to meet my unrealistic expectations…Though I have to wonder, are they unrealistic? Easy enough to figure that out, quite another matter to stop. If you’ve come this far in reading this, maybe you can give me insights.

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